Daughters

My baby girl will be graduating elementary school this week and headed to middle school this fall. Needless to say I’m emotional about this. She’s my first born, my body carries a physical scar marking her entry into this world, my heart was forever changed and I’ve never worked so hard at anything in my life as I have trying to raise her. She’s tough, sensitive, emotional, feisty and brave all in one beautiful package.

But today I’m reflecting on my efforts to raise her “right” as well as pondering her future. There are so many ways to screw this up! Trying to protect her in a world where every move someone makes can be broadcast on the internet for everyone to mock or judge or provide their own input. How in the world are we supposed to get anything “right”? Teach her to be strong, but not bossy, brave but not too outspoken, passionate yet reserved. Build up her self-esteem to realize her beauty yet tell her exactly what to wear or how she should look according to our own standards.

My daughter wanted to download an app this week called “Tik Tok” and her argument was everyone else including her teacher have it. She said it’s harmless and just a place to watch funny videos. I gave her my undivided attention on this one and told her I wanted to ask around to what other moms might know and do some googling. Upon my initial search for the app, one of the marketing points was that it allows you to “alter your image”. Stop right there! My kid is 10... 10! She’s incredibly beautiful in ways that women in their 30’s only dream about! Beautiful, youthful skin with zero wrinkles and glows for days! She could be Reese Witherspoon’s daughter with her features and I know I’m her mother so I’m biased but trust me, this will be a problem for her dad in just a few short years. She’s gorgeous! Why in the world would she want to alter anything?! So I asked her what she could possibly want to alter. Her response, “all of this” as she motioned her face. My heart sunk. “Are you kidding me?” Where have I failed as a mom here? I tell my daughter she’s beautiful every day at least once a day however I cautiously mix it up so as to make sure I don’t dote on her beauty alone so she knows I think she’s smart and athletic and strong just as much as she is beautiful. Remember as a parent you have to lift your child up in all aspects and heaven forbid you mention she’s beautiful more than she is smart so she grows up to obsess over her beauty all the while ignoring her intelligence due to her mother overly mentioning her beauty before her brains. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night folks! I showed her Reese Witherspoon's photo and we discussed my daughters features that she wanted to alter. I forced her to look in the mirror and see the beauty that everyone else can see. She laughed and I hope my point got across but you never know. She’d never admit mom was right and definitely not in this case.

This is the future I fear for my daughter. An app telling her how easy it is and necessary to alter her appearance. This is one of thousands of apps she could do this with and on top of all of that is social media. One misspelling, one bad selfie angle, one poor lighting choice and all my years of working on self-esteem could go down the drain. I’m terrified for her.

I remember my youth and while it was a time without google or social media, the Stone Age as my kids call it, it was still brutal in its own right. Trying to figure out who you are and want to be are massive life struggles for anyone, at any age but add in puberty and hormones and it’s a different ballgame. They are so impressionable at this stage of their lives. I remember when I was in middle school and one of my physical education teacher's asked me what I was going to try out for in high school. Now, middle school for me was the worst time of my life. I moved in middle school from Florida to St. Louis and began my questionable rebellious years with black lipstick and blue hair. Yes, there's a photo somewhere on my facebook page of this as I have very little shame in my older, wiser years. However, even with my rebellion shining strong, I was athletic and enjoyed physical education class. I told my teacher that I was trying out for the pom squad. My best friend at the time somehow peer pressured me into one of the best decisions I've ever made because she wanted to be a pom. I've danced my whole life but had stopped dancing when I moved to St. Louis so I didn't mention this to her at the time. But what I remember and have never forgotten about that conversation was my teacher's reply, "Oh don't do that. You're better than poms. You should try out for a sport, not dancing." I would like to think my teacher had good intentions however looking back, I should've definitely told her where to stick her opinion. Why should I play a sport? Because YOU think by YOUR standards that sports were better than poms? After making the pom squad I quickly learned it was no joke practicing 6 days a week for a minimum of 2 hours. I would've put our practices right up there with any sport any other "athletes" were playing. How dare she tell me what to do? But do you know how easily those 2 second comments come out? People probably have no idea the effect they can have on others. That memory has stayed with me ever since that moment. What kind of moments will my daughter have that will stick with her of other people judging her? That's what I'm more afraid of.

I want my daughter to be happy and healthy more than anything in the world. I want her to be confident. I want her to love herself fiercely, protect her heart and be passionate about the choices she makes. I want her to be careful and considerate when making her choices. I want her to pick supportive friends and surround herself with people who lift her up. I want her to push herself to give 100% in everything she does. I want her to give herself slack when she messes up in life. I want her to value her health and realize one day it might not be there unless she takes very good care of it. I want her to surprise herself at her abilities. I want her to love life and travel to see what all the world has to offer. I want her to respect her elders and the knowledge they've learned over the years. I want her to protect her brother and love him hard. I selfishly want her to live within a driving distance from me and call me when she gets older just to tell me hi. I want her to be better than me. I want her to know how incredibly much her parents love her and would do anything for her. I want all of this and more for her, just like I'm sure my parents did for me. She's my daughter and I'll continue to do everything I can to try to be the best mother she could have, just like my mom was for me.

XOXO,

Ashley