As a parent I feel like I’ve got more failures than successes. I’m constantly battling the do’s and dont’s. I want my children to be driven, but not expect perfection. I want them to be focused but not obsessed. I want them to be willing to work hard for their goals and expect that of those around them. I want them to appreciate the value of working your way up and getting your hands dirty. I just don’t know how to get there.
The pressures of being a good parent these days seem to be mounting with new expectations daily. I remember the stress I felt when my kids were young to feed them organic food, or better yet, just whip up your own homemade organic food. Not like you have anything else to do as a new parent. Or even better, just breastfeed your kid until they are in preschool. Well, let me tell you I sucked at all of that. There was no homemade organic baby food. There was store bought jars of that gross stuff we all grew up on and ended up being just fine. I loathed breastfeeding and wasn’t any good at it. That was my first real harsh dose of sucking as a parent. It hurt. It was personal. It was me vs this baby and I lost.
Then there’s the pressures of making sure you’re doing enough educational activities at home, limiting their screen time to educational opportunities for a small time per day and the super important, bedtime sleep schedule. Spoiler alert- sucked at that too. My husband was coaching high school basketball games at least two nights away in a town 30 minutes away from our home. I had to make a choice between ever getting to see my husband and being a supportive wife, OR, being a good mom who stops their lives to put the sleep schedule first. I chose my husband. I don’t regret it either but my children have never, ever, EVER been good sleepers. I remember specifically going into the doctor with my daughter and telling him that one of us wasn’t leaving without medication because I needed to sleep!!! Did I make the right choice? Who knows. But I did the best I could to manage expectations versus reality.
Skip forward to these lovely preteen years I’m in the midst of. My daughter is a totally stranger to me most of the time. I struggle to see myself in her and have the hardest time relating to her. She’s moody, tired all the time, and completely meh about life. She has zero, and I mean zero, self confidence. I don’t remember being that way as a child. I lived for the spotlight and danced 6-7 days a week. Yes, I was definitely moody in middle school but my parents moved us in 6th grade and I had to start all over. I feel like that moodiness was justified. Slightly. She lives in what I call a “good enough” world. She does every task just enough to complete it but beyond that could care less. I mean the smallest, tiniest aspects she does just enough and not any further. It’s baffling and completely infuriating all at the same time. She leaves cookie dough in the bottom of the mixing bowl to throw away because she’s made “enough” cookies. Who does that?!?!? My child. My “good enough” child. How do you coach a child to become driven? I don’t think you can. I think it’s something innately born into some people. She’s not one of them. She’s involved in so many sports and activities and will give 100% to those activities during the scheduled time. Beyond that I get to be bad guy nagging her incessantly to do softball drills or go run on the treadmill to stay in shape for track, cross country or softball. She is not the child who asks to do this on her own. I don’t know how to parent that.
Push your children, but not too much. Encourage them to be involved but don’t overcommit. Hold your child accountable to their responsibilities but don’t force it. Support your child’s decisions but don’t let them back out of a commitment. Make sure they eat their vegetables but don’t talk about food too much or they’ll have an eating disorder. How is anyone supposed to feel like their decisions as a parent are ever the right ones??? How are we as parents supposed to function under these stresses?
Add in a pandemic, with new elearning processes thrown in, financial strains and a presidential election year and you just have the perfect formula for total and utter meltdowns. So, then why are we not more supportive of each other’s choices? Why is it ok to judge other parents and their decisions? Why aren’t we working together to support each other more and share in our weaknesses just as much as our strengths?
It literally hurts me every day that I don’t know what in the world I’m doing as a parent with her. Does anyone know what they’re doing?? Probably not. Parenting, especially right now, is TOO hard to do on our own. Surround yourself, both physically and virtually since that’s a thing these days, by other people and parents who will LIFT YOU UP and share in your victories as well as your defeats. We are in this together. We are all doing the best we can. Cheers to you fellow parents to your successes and your failures!
Ashley, you are just too hard on yourself! I think a child’s makeup, personality and demeanor are formed before they are 5 years old. We can only guide them, encourage them and just generally be there for them! Tom used to tell me that Reading was injurious to my health! Hang in there, Childhood is a long time. Prayer helps! Love, love, love!